• 84°

Please drive carefully

Once again, I’m making a crusade against some of the most vexing people on the earth — bad drivers.

We all hear these stories of people doing awful things to complete strangers on the highway. Road rage, they call it. That’s baloney. Why blame the drivers all the time?

So then I got to thinking …

It’s not like I have anything against people who make laws … today, anyway … but I would like to humbly submit my suggestions for some stronger penalties for stupidity on the road.

First, let’s address people who do not use their turn signals. I find myself in a running countdown to the time they hit the turn so I can say something heinous about the way they were raised. Not one of my prouder admissions, but I’m human. I propose that people who fail to signal have to wash the car of the person behind them.

Next, folks who leave their high beams on when someone passes them. Can’t tell you what that does to my blood pressure. What kills me is most people don’t realize it’s a good idea to turn them down when someone passes you from BEHIND, as well. Penalty: You have to go through a military confidence course blindfolded.

Following closely behind that is my next pet peeve — anyone who looks like they’re going to ram right into my tail and then aggressively hits the brakes so they can stop close enough to my bumper to tell how long it’s been since I’ve had a haircut. Seriously, I don’t need that. Penalty: Wash my car … and detail it, too.

Here’s something I’ve been guilty of a time or two in my life … Eating while driving. Yeah, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it. But I try to make sure nothing I’m stuffing into my face is actually bigger than, ummm, my face. I’m telling you, when I see a big, ol’ burger wrapper and a head cocked sideways, my heart starts beating like a jackhammer. Penalty: No fast food for a month. And you have to watch 24 straight hours of the Steve Wilkos Show.

Moving on. If you want to play music, seriously, I don’t mind if I don’t hear the lyrics. No really, I mean that. And I’m not just talking the guys that like to blast hip-hop. Some kid this week pulled behind me at the ATM rocking out to Dave Matthews, and I almost drove off without my money. Penalty: You get sent into a music store and laughed at by the entire staff.

I haven’t forgotten about the rest of you, either: slow drivers, fast drivers, people who don’t wave other drivers into busy traffic, people who don’t wave back when other drivers wave you into busy traffic, curb killers, folks who are six months past tune-ups and especially people from other states who complain about the way Alabama people drive.

I was born and raised here. You outsiders don’t get to talk about them the way I do.