• 72°

The letter of the law is what matters

I’ve been holding something in far too long, and I’ve to let it out.

This is very difficult, and it causes me much shame but I can’t hold it in any longer.

I, George L. Jones, text message while I drive.

It’s true! It’s true! I shame my family’s good name. I shame my future children. I am the scum of the highway-driving human existence.

Oh, the absolute pain this causes me … Who said something about being a drama king?

As some of you may remember, I have on certain occasions written columns about discourteous drivers and my complete and total disdain of them.

I am a hypocrite to deny my one mortal sin behind the wheel while at the same time chiding someone who manages to take up two parking spaces with a subcompact car.

The one thing that that tripped my guilt switch was Alabama’s proposed legislation to ban texting while driving.

I mean, I know where lawmakers are going with this, but it would help if their headlights were turned on.

One of our local law enforcement officers said last week he’s in favor of the law, but it would be hard to enforce it.

I couldn’t agree more. What, exactly, do you look for before popping on the lights and ruining some unsuspecting driver’s week?

I can imagine how that story would read:

Police arrested a Selma woman on multiple warrants after a routine traffic stop.

Officer I.D. Lovelaw noticed rapid finger movement from the woman while she was traveling down Tremont Street. During the stop, he determined that she was wanted for the burglary of an electronics store, the robbery of a computer technician and several outstanding traffic tickets. The woman was arrested and placed in jail.

“Our officers have been doing an outstanding job of making it known that people who endanger others by taking their eyes off the road won’t be tolerated,” a police spokesperson said. “Their fingers should be tapping on 10 and 2, not on ‘LOL.’”

Well said, Officer Lovelaw. Well said. Apparently, the Alabama House Public Safety Committee agrees wholeheartedly with you. The body on Thursday voted unanimously to prohibit writing, sending or reading text messages while behind the wheel.

Way to stick it to us multi-taskers. That’ll show us to get things done before we crank up the engine or not at all.

Rep. Mike Ball, R-Huntsville, seems to have a realistic grasp on how Alabama drivers think — the ones that actually do think, anyway. Ball is a retired state trooper and said people will skirt the law by lowering their phones beneath window level to send text messages.

See, these are the idiots that need to be made an example of. I mean seriously, make it easy for the guy in the cruiser who has no intention of turning on his siren. Just drive with your chin buried in your chest. Yeah, that’ll show those annoying cops!

Sometimes I worry about the survival of the human race.

I’ve just decided that I’m going to wean myself off the practice gradually. I’ll start by limiting texting to traffic lights and stop signs. But if it’s rush hour in Birmingham, and the interstate is backed up all bets are off.

I’ll do that for a week or so, and then reduce texting to stops at the drive through. After a few days of that, I figure I’m just about ready to kick the habit.

If you can think of a better plan, shoot me a text message.