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Take 1: Politics on the screen

Do you all know what I found myself thinking about the other day?

“No, George L. What were you thinking about?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, folks. My mind wondered off — a very rare occurrence, mind you — and I thought about what life would be like if it was done movie-style.

Think of it. Bigger-than-life personalities, bright lights, a great soundtrack and overpriced food

So then I got to thinking …

Just let me invert my left hand, make a little square and pretend it’s a viewfinder. Yes, yes. I see it! We can totally make this work. All it takes is a little imagination …

Act 1, Scene 1:

[Somewhere in Virginia, 5:47 p.m. local time]

College Kid No. 1: “Hey, maybe we should go vote.

College Kid No. 2: “Nah, I’d rather go hit golf balls off the roof.

College Kid No. 1: “Make a deal with you. We can go hit balls off the roof for half an hour. That still gives us plenty of time to go to the poll.”

College Kid No. 2: “Sorry, I wasn’t listening. This is a really funny commercial. That squawking duck is so awesome.”

Act 1, Scene 2:

[Somewhere in Virginia, 6:03 p.m.]

Joe Plumber: “Billy, did you ever think I’d be sitting here, leading the race for president of the United States? Six months ago, I had no pension, no future and my pants didn’t fit. I feel like I don’t even deserve this.”

Billy Rose, plumber’s impromptu advisor: “Easy, Joe. You haven’t won yet. I mean, this is an incredible story even if you lose. We wanted young people to vote, but I mean, who would have ever thought that college kids across the country would have united in a “Vote for Joe Plumber” write-in vote campaign?

Joe: “Yeah, right. Wait a second. How do we know there’s not a thousand other Joe Plumbers around the country that think they might be the next president?”

Billy: “Umm, Joe, don’t worry about that. All we can worry about is us.”

Joe: “Huh? That’s crazy. Guys with the same last name are going to be scratching each other’s eyes out. Matter of fact …”

Billy: “Joe? Joe! Driver, pull over. He’s unconscious. What was that that flew through the window? Is that a golf ball?”

Act 2, Scene 1:

[Somewhere in Montana]

Barack Obama: “Tell me, John. Why are we out here in the middle of nowhere?”

John McCain: “Neutral territory, young friend. Now what are we going to do about this Joe Plumber guy?”

Barack: “Well, I don’t know. You created him. Wait, what do you mean, ‘do about him?’ You don’t mean …”

John: “No, I don’t mean pay him off or anything. We could have Secret Service take care of him.”

Barack: “What?!”

John: “Little joke there. That’s just the kind of straight talk you’re not used to hearing. It’s all about survival, though, little buddy. I should know.”

Barack: “I need some aspirin. And please stop calling me little buddy.”

John: “No problem there, chief.”

Act 2, Scene 2:

[Somewhere in New York]

Tina Fey: “I wasn’t really sure how I felt about the FBI hiding you in my apartment with this crazy assassin on the loose, but I’m glad it happened now. This gives us time for girl talk.”

Sarah Palin: “Yeah. And don’t worry about those horrible impressions of me you did on your little show. I think you’re just the cat’s meow.”

Tina: “What do you mean horrible?”

Sarah: “Oh no, it’s just that where I’m from that kind of humor is a bit far fetched. But it’s fine you folks out here.”

Tina: “Well, if they had TVs on dairy farms, I’m sure you’d appreciate my punchlines a little more.”

Sarah: “Oh, Tina, you’re so cute. What do you say we do each other’s hair when the bodyguards go to sleep?”

Tina: “You’re a lot more laid back than I thought.”

Sarah: “It’s the power suit, honey. It comes off, and I’m a different woman.”

Act 3:

[Somewhere in New Mexico]

Kevin Costner: “How exactly did my vote become so important again?”

Joe Biden: “Don’t worry about it. Just sign here, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Kevin: “Thanks, Joe. I’m lucky you gave up politics to become my agent.”

Joe: “Hey, I know all about strange choices. But today it’s all about you, baby