The key to singing Key’s anthem

Published 11:21 pm Thursday, September 4, 2008

I wonder if it’s some kind of rule that you absolutely need to have terrible singers at national party conventions.

I’m not going to say any names, but those of you watching for the last two weeks have to know what I’m talking about.

It could be nerves. Performing in front of the most powerful politicians, business people and entertainers in the world brings on a bit of pressure.

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But come on, man. We can’t find someone who can hold a note during the national anthem for more than half a second? And I’m probably being generous there.

With all this talk about vetting running mates, the booking committees need to vet performers whose voices won’t crack like unwrapped pipes during winter.

So then I got to thinking …

Maybe someone should hire me to lock down entertainment for these things.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. But I promise it’ll be classy — something you can take your grandmother to.

So let’s see, these people can’t be too famous because as we all know, many entertainers are deathly afraid of taking political stances. It causes wrinkles and all, and that’s a definite detriment to a career in show business.

But they can’t be too inconspicuous because, hey, we’re actually trying to get ratings here. Yeah, yeah I know, but some people don’t actually watch for the politics.

So here goes, the top B-plus listers I would want to bring the house down at a national convention.

Carrot Top — What the heck is his real name, by the way? I think at the end of his performance, he should stage a contest where people can guess. Anyway, the mature Carrot Top no longer pulls out a trunk with unique gadgets that he waves around for all to see and laugh at. No, he has taken his game to another level. Instead, he’ll just use the enormous mass of hair on top of Sarah Palin’s head to hide his goodies.

David Beckham — He’s a little too high profile according to my previously outlined criteria, but he’s low maintenance. Think about it. All the man has to do is stand there, and you don’t even have to ask him to shave. You want younger voters? Female voters? This guy is a walking magnet for both demographics.

Dave Chappelle — In between impressions of Lil’ John and Samuel L. Jackson, he can regale you with his knowledge of foreign policy. I’m not saying it’ll cause Barack Obama to rethink his choice for vice president, but hey.

Britney Spears — Oops, wrong list. Sorry.

Members of Oprah’s Book Club — What? Don’t you want to know who some of these folks are? I mean, I don’t know what kind of talent they have, but I really want to know who some of them are.

Jerry Springer — To referee all the protestors waiting outside.