Good guys finish…well, you know the rest

Published 11:42 pm Thursday, July 24, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column about some of the greatest myths in the world.

It was a beautiful piece of prose (or at least I think so) about the things we’ve been told our entire lives that are horribly untrue.

I should have included something about nice guys finishing last, love conquering all and Santa Claus. For you 20-somethings that didn’t know already, my bad.

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I want to turn the page and tell you things that, in my should-be-humble-but-isn’t-because-you’re-still-reading-this opinion, absolutely happen without fail. All the time. No exceptions. No kidding. Why am I talking like this?

I wish I could be nice about this, but nice guys finish last. Wait, I just contradicted myself. Oh well, that happens, too.

6. Not all family is good family — I can actually hear the collective mumbling of “Amen” from people reading this. Those of you who doubt, call 10 relatives outside your immediate family and throw them the saddest, sappiest story of hardship you can. See how many are, one, sympathetic, or two, willing to open up the pocket book. Then start shaving down the family reunion invitation list.

5. Exes will bite — People you break up with are like ghosts with alarm clocks. They pick the exact day you forget about them and then, boo! There’s that e-mail or phone call you’ve been praying wouldn’t come.

4. Car titles are evil — Never, ever blow that car note money the first month after you get it paid off because it will go right back into your car. And it won’t be anything obvious. A bird will fly into your grill, get sucked into the radiator, and three hours later, you’re ponying up money you don’t have. Why? Because you had to take the weekend trip to the beach. You just had to, didn’t you?

3. Stupid people are funny — The biggest laughs come from folks who have absolutely no idea why they’re wandering around the earth. I hate to say it, but somebody has to. To keep order, however, I say we ship them to third world countries when they reach 30 and let them fend for themselves. I’m kidding. Hmmm …

2. Vegetables cause cancer — They really don’t. But I’ve noticed fewer and fewer people eat them. You might as well say veggies are dangerous, considering people’s phobia of them. I wonder which vegetable is most dangerous of all. Maybe cucumbers. Anything that can be dipped in vinegar and be more appealing to people, you have to worry about.

1. Country music saved America — I’m not even going to lie, this is only here because I got triple laughs — thinking about it, typing and reading it. Glad I could be of service.