Column/Dig inside the mind of the lost

Published 12:00 am Monday, October 8, 2007

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like for someone who knows absolutely nothing about sports.

I’ve tried to imagine picking up a sports page and feeling like I was reading Chinese.

So I devised a list of simple sports terms that the non-fan would probably misinterpret.

Email newsletter signup

The subject for this experiment will be Casey – a fictional, non-gendered person who is completely sports ignorant.

Disclaimer: This may be the most deranged thing I’ve ever done.

7. Pick and roll:

Sports definition – (Basketball) A simple offensive move in which a teammate blocks the path of the person defending the ball handler then slips behind the defender to accept a pass. Also called a “screen and roll.”

Casey’s definition – Something you do with the gunk in your nose.

6. Fair catch:

Sports definition – (Football) A signal that grants a player the right to refuse the return of a kicked ball. Also protects said player from contact by an opponent.

Casey’s definition – That single co-worker you’ve had your eye one for six months.

5. Trifecta:

Sports definition – (Horse racing) A bet in which the bettor must predict which horses will finish first, second and third in exact order. Also an interchangeable slang phrase in other sports.

Casey’s definition – A really nasty skin disease.

4. Caddie:

Sports definition – (Golf) A person employed to carry a player’s bags, give course advice and do any other menial work.

Casey’s definition – Still one of the coolest automobiles in the world.

3. One timer:

Sports definition – (Hockey) A pass that is quickly followed by a teammate’s slap shot. Hockey’s version of an alley oop.

Casey’s definition – What all bad first dates turn into.

2. Draft:

Sports definition – (Racing) Staying extremely close to the racer directly in front in an effort to maintain speed while reducing energy used.

Casey’s definition – The surest way to make a bad time turn good.

1. Bang banger:

Sports definition – (Baseball) A close play at first base.

Casey’s definition – Umm, am I really allowed to say what that is?

George L. Jones is sports editor of The Selma Times-Journal. He can be reached at (334) 410-1744 or