Ways to tell you love sports too much
Published 12:00 am Monday, April 2, 2007
This column could also be titled &8220;Top ways you know your name is George L. Jones.&8221;
Personally, I don’t think my &8220;problem&8221; is that serious, but there are several other people who would argue differently.
So if you, too, have been accused of living in a world separate from reality &045; a world where it is acceptable for men to wear pants two sizes too small and for women to have Popeye muscles &045; this is for you.
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When we go down &8220;The List,&8221; I’ll explain why you might be a sports nut if
10. You think your pep talks help your team &045; It’s true yelling, screaming and pleading count for more when you’re in the 12th row.
But who’s to say a TV screen and 1,700 miles makes that much of difference?
9. Injuries to your favorite players make you lose sleep &045; I know some people are rolling their eyes and smirking. But don’t doubt for a second there are Alabama and Auburn fans reading this that would break out in hives if John Parker Wilson or Brandon Cox shredded a knee tomorrow.
I saw a lady on the verge of tears a few years ago when I told her about Tyrone Prothro’s leg injury against Florida.
As far as I’m concerned, there are no particular players I’m that attached to.
As long as every single player for the Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers, Florida State football team, Detroit Red Wings, and every athlete at Troy University stays healthy, I’m good.
8. You think Pat Summitt should be the first female U.S. president &045; Coach Summitt doesn’t want to coach a men’s basketball team, pro or college. I can accept that.
But building the Tennessee women’s program into a national powerhouse has to be a tougher job than running the country.
I mean, come on. Summit’s got so much clout she inspired the Volunteers’ men’s coach, Bruce Pearl, to come to a women’s game shirtless and covered in body paint.
Then what did she do? She returned the favor by being a cheerleader at a men’s game.
That’s the kind of charisma and give-and-take you need to be the leader of the free world.
7. A Game 7 excites you more than a size six &045; Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking: George L. is a loser and needs a life.
But think about this for a moment. It’s rare that a championship in any sport goes the full series, whereas women account for about 52 percent of the population.
You’ve got a better chance of meeting a beautiful soul mate than you do of seeing the NBA Finals or the World Series go to the limit.
And yeah, I kinda do need a life.
6. You have the logo of your favorite team tattooed on your body &045; Thankfully, I’m not a member of this particular group.
But just so you know, always compliment any such tattoo even if it looks horrendous or if you can’t really tell what it is.
That way you prevent objects from flying by, or worse, directly into your head.
5. You injure yourself imitating your favorite athlete &045; Yeah, you know you have. Don’t even lie about it.
4. You begin rationalizing other celebrities’ ability to be pro athletes &045; For instance, Tom Cruise. He’s a bit small, but he seems intelligent and able to lead. He could play point guard.
Or Eddie Murphy. He’s a bit goofy, so he can keep things loose. And he looks pretty agile, so he could be a decent shortstop.
And you know what? Hillary Clinton would make a killer NASCAR driver. Yeah, son, you ain’t gonna wanna trade paint with that.
3. You think anyone found guilty of using performance-enhancing drugs should go straight to death row &045; It’s a bit stringent, I know. But we have to send a message that cheating is not cool.
Let Pookie and Bubba on Cell Block D try to rehabilitate the &8216;roiders.
2. You wonder why there’s not more blood on the players’ uniforms &045; Even while you’re watching golf and bowling.
1. You have known for 365 days that today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball &045; Ahh, yes. Bask in the glow of something truly beautiful.
George L. Jones is sports editor of The Selma Times-Journal. He can be reached at (334) 410-1744 or .