The List: Top things I would change about sports

Published 12:00 am Sunday, September 3, 2006

7. Ejections for officials – The way I figure it, if players can get the boot for misconduct, so can the guys wearing the ugly, ill-fitting uniforms.

But officials are smarter than physically or verbally attacking someone. Not to mention, they’re usually the least imposing people on the field or court.

Instead, we could toss them for making bad calls – or not making them at all. And a certain number of ejections would warrant fines and suspensions.

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On second thought, maybe that’s a bad idea. The turnover in the NBA would be dumbfounding just because of a lack of whistles on traveling violations.

6. Home, sweet home – Let’s do away with the idea that the Major League Baseball All-Star Game decides home-field advantage in the World Series.

C’mon, man. All that fuss, and people still turn to see what’s on HBO after the third inning. Nothing against HBO. “Deadwood” is a fine piece of cinema.

I’m not one to call this a meaningless event, but it still shouldn’t affect the most important week in the game.

If MLB really wants to get interest back in the game, it should stop showing cutaways to Bud Selig every six minutes.

5. Full-contact figure skating – I’m a sick man. And I just proved it.

4. Limits on alternate uniforms – I mean, really. There are more important things to worry about than what tops and bottoms you’re going to wear against conference and non-conference teams on the home and road.

University of Oregon football team and Kansas City Royals, this is expressly directed at you.

3. No domed stadiums for outdoor sports – Even with the invention of AstroPlay (which, lemme tell you, is a major improvement over AstroTurf) this is a bad idea. You can’t fully enjoy the experience of a baseball or football game with a piece of tin over your head.

All I can say is, thank God for the person that thought up retractable roofs.

2. No more end zone dances – I’ve been quiet far too long.

I just don’t want to see that.

And anyone that does is probably as big a clown as the guy gyrating on the field.

You scored a touchdown, big deal.

When you figure out a way to catch your own pass, you should not only get to dance, you oughta have your own fireworks show.

1. Less TV time for everyone except players and coaches – This means you, cheerleaders and dance teams. This means you, sideline reporters. This means you, fat guy with paint slathered over your otherwise unappealing belly. This means you, guy holding up the “Sportscenter is next” sign. This means you, girl in the 24th row wearing too much make-up and a bra that cuts off circulation in your torso. This even means you, commentators.

Oh, and the mascot. Unless he’s getting trampled during the post-game field rush.

Also List-worthy: Road trips to the opposite coast late in the season; designated hitters in high school and college; any talk about steroids that doesn’t involve the words “found guilty”; any more than two NFL preseason games; and Powerade – it’s nothing more than salty Kool-Aid.

George L. Jones is sports editor of the Selma Times-Journal. He can be reached at .