The List: Top downers of the past summer
Published 12:00 am Sunday, August 13, 2006
For as much as athletes triumph, some of them do the most unbelievably disappointing things.
I have compiled the greatest chokes, bombs and otherwise mentally sterile acts of the past summer.
Some of you will get mad at me because I’m talking about your favorite athlete.
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Whatever. I’m laughing until I
mess my pants anyway.
Let’s go down “The List.”
5. Phil Mickelson – The U.S. Open. Wow. He went ahead and cemented his name’s synonymity with gagging.
He could have bogied the final hole and still taken home the championship. Instead, he hit everything surrounding the green – including someone’s grandmother – before getting his ball in.
4. Floyd Landis – He’s not been officially found guilty, so I guess that means I’m going to unofficially make fun of him.
Think about this: An 11:1 testosterone to epitestosterone ratio. The normal level is 1:1.
I have thought about some possible side effects of a variance that high.
For one, you could probably grow hair on your eyeballs.
You could lift 25-pound free weights with your big toe.
And if your name is Michelle, you would suddenly prefer to be called Michael.
3. George W. Bush – He’s not an athlete. He’s not really pertinent to this column.
I just thought I would mention his name.
Keep it greasy, Dubya.
2. Maurice Clarett – The most talented amateur football player in the country four years ago, Clarett started listening to other people who tried to determine his value.
I’m not saying he wouldn’t have had legal trouble, gone broke and ballooned to cartoon character weight had he been permitted to enter the NFL draft.
But from a credibility standpoint, it just looks better to blow your own money instead of mooching off “friends” who expect a payback.
1. The Atlanta Braves – I haven’t talked to one person that’s truly disappointed the Braves are not going to win their division.
The way they’re losing games is the real shock. Who would have guessed Atlanta would be five games better on the road than at home?
Who would have guessed their pitching would be more painful to watch than a Super Bowl halftime show?
And who would have guessed Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston would still be together after all these years?
George L. Jones is sports editor for The Selma Times-Journal. He can be reached at .