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If the government handed out Oscars …

Show of hands, who plans on watching the Academy Awards on Sunday night? Which reminds me, I’ve to find out exactly why those statues are nicknamed “Oscars.”

Maybe it has something to do with the guy that designed the statue … or his dog. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that about 24 hours from now the most highly regarded award in entertainment is going into the hands of the people voted as the best in entertainment.

So then I got to thinking …

What if federal employees and other high-profile people had their own awards show? Yes, I realize an election technically counts, but that’s not exactly what I had in mind.

Let’s suppose we created the Academy of Government, Economics, Transportation, Education and Military and handed out statues as a token of how much we appreciate those people’s contributions to our society.

I mean, that show alone would be enough to make grandma jump on the digital converter box bandwagon. Am I lying? Of course not, and you know it.

Through a selection process that is completely biased and even more twisted, I present to you the winners of the first ever GETEM Awards.

Best Ensemble Performance: Wall Street executives in “It Was Them!” — These boys found out the hard way it’s not a good time to be a shark in the water. With only an improvised script, these pinstriped wizards did a wonderful acting job when trying to convince Congress that everything — including green technology, the continuing computer boom and little babies — were to blame for the financial crisis they helped put America in. It was gripping, climactic and had a few moments of comedy squeezed in. One of the year’s best.

Best Foreign Language Film: “California,” starring Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger — Even without subtitles, it was impossible to miss the governor’s hurt as he explained what deep, deep trouble his state is in. The scene where Schwarzenegger fell tearfully into his wife’s arms as he contemplated imposing heavy taxes on the adult video industry was priceless.

Best Makeup: “Blago, Go Go” starring former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich — Two thumbs up to the makeup artists’ work on Blago’s deep-set eyes that are too close together, rodent-looking lower facial features and fluffy, non-descript hairstyle. It made his unwavering denial of his guilt so much creepier … What’s that? Blago actually looks like that? Ahem, well, next category.

Best Song: “A Change is Gonna Come” featured in “Election: The 2008 Race for the Oval Office” — Perhaps the foremost anthem for people who believe faith and hard work are the two most important ingredients for success. Bettye LaVette’s and Jon Bon Jovi’s duet at the Jan. 20 inauguration was beyond priceless.

Best Supporting Actor: U.S. Rep. Artur Davis in “Election: The 2008 Race for the Oval Office” — He gave a powerful performance while humbly bearing the burden of the man responsible for garnering support for presidential hopeful Barack Obama in a widely divided portion of the Deep South. Davis’ smaller role in this award-winning performance may lead to much bigger roles in the near future.

Best Supporting Actress: Nadya Suleman in “Octumom” — Showing that too much love is never enough, she smiled bravely into the camera, even when her mother called her a basketcase. This powerful drama leaves little doubt there will be a sequel. Suleman’s performance as a woman trying to escape a lonely childhood is one of the best performances of the past 10 years.

Best Leading Actress: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin in “Election: The 2008 Race for the Oval Office” — It was supposed to be U.S. Sen. John McCain’s year, but between hunting from a helicopter, her hair bun and that cute, yet disturbing accent, Palin stole the screen. And she still managed to bake cookies and innocently tease her kids’ male friends.

Best Leading Actor: Bernard Madoff in “The Big Ponzi” — True genius, charisma and economic villainy can only begin describe the talent that allowed Madoff to swindle people out of tens of billions of dollars. It was an upset performance of our new president, but to paraphrase Babe Ruth, the president didn’t have as good a payday.