To the Editor:

Like most men, I know precious little about women. Despite having grown up with a mother and having lived with a wife for nearly eight years, their actions remain a mystery to me. Though I’m a reasonably intelligent fellow with lots of female friends, I have only slightly more insight as to how the fairer gender works than I did as a decidedly awkward junior high student.

When it comes to men’s minds, however, I’m considered a bit of an expert. During the Internet boom I helped create one of the most successful men’s lifestyle Web sites and I recently authored a book geared towards the male audience called “50 things Every Guy Should Know How To Do.” It is as an expert in the mind of the modern man that I feel comfortable in sharing a bit of advice to women from men that, if you listen, should make life better for both genders.Ladies, we do love you, but please stop wearing the giant sunglasses. We understand that Lindsay Lohan wears them as do the Olsen twins and any other number of celebrities, but that doesn’t mean you don’t look like a blind 90-year-old man when you wear them. Giant sunglasses at best make you look like a fly or an alien and no man has ever described the girl of his dreams as resembling either of those things.

We’d also prefer if you left your eyebrows alone. We’re not really looking at them in the first place and they only catch our attention when your needless grooming results in them becoming bizarrely thin. Tweezing your eyebrows invariably leads to you not having any eyebrows, at which point you must paint them in, fooling nobody and looking utterly ridiculous.

You can also stop asking us whether you look fat. Let’s assume that no matter what you say you’re probably not as fat as you think, but slightly fatter than we let on. Nothing good can come out of this question because even if we answer with an honest “no,” you still suspect us of lying.

As a final piece of advice, and this might be the most important, please don’t ever try to get us to do something because Oprah recommended it. While Ms. Winfrey might be a nice lady and she seems to serve as some sort of cult leader for womankind, she has never said even one thing that a man would find useful.

Daniel B. Kline

Newington, CT